Can’t recall for how long we’ve been trying to get APS (Adult Protective Services) to help us get things accomplished to help Mom, with Dad being the road block.
Well, since APS has no teeth and can’t do as much as they claim, they decided to “change their focus” and come after my sister and I if progress isn’t made, since we are easier to target via current laws, regardless of whether it is just or not. Lesson learned I guess.
We will be okay with Mom, we have made significant progress (independent of this annoyance of APS), thanks to the hospice social worker. Of course, when it comes to Dad’s turn, we are going to have to be careful, he will not accept care so readily.
For now, a reminder, no good deed goes unpunished, at least to some degree…
Because Dad is not caring for Mom as he should, the care facility, with our blessing, reported him to APS.
Having learned from his experience with them previously, this time he refused to sign the papers allowing them to help.
Since Mom is not being grossly neglected (seems to be a matter of interpretation), APS will be closing the case, and thus closing the door to them being able to help the situation. They did say that if we felt that mom is in danger, we can call the sheriff. Mom *is* in danger, since she is not getting nutrition and meds, but we are stuck, and heartbroken.
Things are going to break soon, it’s just a matter of time.
Dad is still insisting on caring for Mom, which means that she isn’t being properly cared for – he just can’t. He is not physically able to provide her with good nutrition, her medications, or proper hygiene. Even if he were able-bodied, what he would be capable of doing is in question, him always being somewhat emotionally stunted.
He refuses to spend money to bring in care.
He refuses to use something like Meals on Wheels.
He refuses to consider any type of day care for her. The social worker told us that day care for seniors can delay placement in a facility for up to three years.
He refuses to find a skilled nursing facility for her. He thinks anyone that would consider placing her in a facility “should be shot”. That is Dad talking, not Mom. Although they aren’t the best of places, she would love to be taken care of – at least she used to be okay with that. Judging from her recent stay in a facility, I think she has a bit of Stockholm Syndrome going on and is more attached to Dad than what is normal for her. The reality is that what Dad is doing to Mom is considered abuse, but in his mind, he is the hero.
APS (Adult Protective Service) should be involved soon, and they should be able to help us apply pressure to Dad to move in a better direction. We spoke to a lawyer the other day. He did give us some good information, but we really don’t have many good options. Even getting conservatorships for them are out of the question, starting out-of-pocket costs would be $12,000. So we will have to work with APS.
I miss being able to just visit my mom, like a normal person should be able to do. I have such deep sadness that all of this is such a battle. Losing your parents to the ravages of age is hard enough, but all of this on top of that is overwhelming.