The first year of loss is a special year. I once went to a yoga and grief workshop. The yoga instructor (also a grief counselor) said that there is a reason why they don’t recommend you make big, important decisions for that first year after you have suffered a great loss, be it from a death, divorce, etc., because there are measurable changes in how your brain works.
So, in the Year of Firsts…
- Thanksgiving, check
- Christmas, check
Lot’s of daily things to get through, but I guess the next big holiday will be Mother’s Day…
Your Year of Firsts: http://www.freitagfuneralhome.com/publications/first-year-grief.htm
I have experienced a lot of loss in the last six years, but *nothing*, including expectation, prepares you for the loss of your mother.
I am going through the phases, complicated by heavy demands on my time at work, needing to deal with the paperwork of death 😦 , and my dad. I have had a few wonderful dreams where mom has visited and hold them dear. Sometimes, like now, I feel more detached from the loss (acceptance?), other times I am raw with pain.
I try to respect the emotions of others and how different individuals process emotions differently. I try not to judge. There is a segment of the family that is detached, uncaring on some level. I am putting together a slide show of memories of Mom for our thanksgiving, they will not be participating. Their lack of participation is not about their grief, but about their apathy towards someone they claimed to have loved.
These are the things that change family dynamics forever. I am not angry at them, I just don’t like who they are as people very much.
Thursday night, Mom had changed. Her breathing was more difficult, her respiratory rate increased, and she physically looked more gone than here. I asked that the doctor-ordered PRN morphine be given regularly to keep her comfortable.
Friday, 8:50 am, my mom was set free. She leaves a huge hole in my heart, I am lost, but so relieved that she is no longer suffering. It’s over.
I Love You Mom.